Cussin' Long Night

When they saw him, they thought he was a ghost. They were terrified and started screaming.

Matt 14:22-32

Being in the middle is sometimes the worst spot. After a whole long day of miracles and teaching, Jesus sends his disciples across the lake while he himself goes away to have some alone time. The disciples know how to manoeuvre boats, they know the lake, the surrounding areas really well, and honestly, they only had a measly three-hour boat ride ahead of them. But then the lake gets choppy and a three-hour boat ride turns into an all-night, nine-hour struggle. And man, after having been awake all day and in the sun and now being awake all night, I can imagine that these disciples are pooped. And what happens when you are pooped and in the middle of an expansive, seemingly eternal activity? Tempers get high. Everyone gets crabby. No one feels spiritual. I can imagine there was a little bit of cussing on that boat, a little bit of James stop touching me or Peter, you’re rowing crooked again. I can imagine that it got to that moment of Okay, here we are. We are just going to put our heads down and row and focus and get ‘er done. And if you jog my elbow again I’m going to punch you.

So in the midst of all that tunnel vision rowing, Jesus shows up. But the problem is,

Stress + Unknown Quantity Walking on Water = FREAK OUT. And don’t we all freak out? Don’t we all have those moments of What in the world? Is God actually doing something or is it just my tired imagination screwing with me? Does God even exist or am I whirled up in a wild game of make-believe and really, isn’t it true that everything is meaningless? Why do we even live? Does that happen to you? It happens to me.

Doubt is one of those old, taught-for-generation ruts deeply ingrained in the human psyche. It’s my number one, go-to mechanism in the face of well, just about any situation. But the thing is, I also believe that The Enemy jerks and jolts on our old doubt strings to try to distract us from the fact that God’s mercy is near. That God’s mercy is about to wash over and clean out the crud from our eyes that keeps us from seeing clearly. That keeps us from seeing The King. Help is near.

Isn’t it challenging how Peter jumped out of the boat even though he wasn’t SURE in his deepest knower that it was actually Jesus? He wasn’t SURE that his imagination wasn’t leading him on a wild goose chase, making him see things that didn’t exist? How often am I willing to breath deeply and take action even though some Gollum voice in me tells me that maybe I’m crazy? And as Peter was floundering about trying to pursue who he thought was God, Jesus was there and created peace and clarity in the havoc. Help was near.

Help is near.

Jesus, allow your mercy to wash over us so that we see things as they are. Allow your light of hope and peace to penetrate our dark minds.

A Living Sacrifice

“My Father” she replied, “you have given your word to the Lord. Do to me just as you promised, now that the Lord has avenged you of your enemies, the Ammonites.”

Judges 11: 36

So last month I was thinking about how God provides for his people, like how He provided an offering for Abraham so that Isaac would not be killed. In Leviticus 20:1-5, God makes it really clear that the Israelites are not to be anything like the Ammonites, who sacrifice children to the god Molech- in fact, if parents do offer their daughter or son to be killed, God demanded that those parents be stoned. God hates it that much. He does not condone this human bloodshed. So then I started thinking about old Jephthah. How come God didn’t step in for Jephthah’s daughter and provide an alternate sacrifice? Was the situation somehow different?

First off, a fast list of important things to think about when reading this story:
- burnt offerings are always supposed to be male

- human sacrifice is strictly forbidden by God

- the daughter was mourning the fact that she would “never marry,” NOT that she was “going to be killed”

- burnt flesh offerings are associated with atonement for sin, not with thanksgiving

With these questions gnawing at the brain I started reading. And what I’ve found (thank you so much, Mr. Google Scholar) is an understanding is that his daughter was offered up to be the Lord’s as a living sacrifice. The daughter would never marry and would be sent to live in the temple (sort of like how Hannah offered Samuel to the Lord and sent him to live in the temple when he was seven, sort of like the New Testament Anna who lived in the temple worshipping). It makes sense then that we see Japhthah’s daughter go up into the hills and weep because she will never marry. It makes sense then that at the end of verse 39 the writer highlights, “and she was a virgin,” NOT “and she was dead.”

So does it matter if Japhthah’s daughter was not actually killed but rather given to the House of the Lord? Does it really make a difference? Well, heck yeah it does!! She was called to be a living sacrifice, just as we are called to be living sacrifices. God doesn’t want us DEAD- He wants us to be willing to hand over our lives and our wills so that He will be the center of our life fulfilment and joy.

The daughter was put between a rock and hard place…she really didn’t have any options. Her father made a decision and for the rest of her life she had to bear the consequences of that decision. Her life dreams and secret hopes of being a wife and a mother were just swept out from under her. So at that point, she has one choice: she can live in the temple and hate every minute of it and scowl all day long, or she can live in the temple and learn to appreciate the way the light dances on the polished marble floors and she can breath deeply and sense the Holy Presence and she can choose to serve those around her with graciousness and love. And isn’t that often the One Choice we have too? A lot of the times we find ourselves in a spot with no wiggle room…sometimes it’s our fault, sometimes not. And really, our only decision is whether or not we will face that circumstance well.

Jesus, thank you for your kindness to us, for giving us strength to face one moment at a time. Help us to look to you when our knees are weak and our hearts are tired.

The Locus of Control

For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it John 9:24

Pop quiz question: What is the difference between choosing to serve and choosing to be a servant?

I have been thinking all week on this question and I’ve finally decided that when you choose to serve, you still have control. You can choose when you are going to serve, under what circumstance, to whom, and for how long. You can work it into your schedule…Something along the lines of, On Saturday from 10 to 12 I am going to heroically serve my community. After I serve I am going to reward myself for being such a good worker by taking myself out to B-Line for an afternoon treat. Seriously. This is how I go about serving.

When you choose to be a servant, however, you lose the locus of control. As a servant you have to get up in the middle of the night if your employer needs a cherry flavoured cough suppressant. You have to leave whatever it is you are doing at the drop of a hat, even if it’s really important to you, to tend to someone else’s whim, hunger, desire to talk, streak of vindictiveness, anything. A servant has no rights.

The immediate thought that comes to mind when I consider life as a servant is, But then everyone is going to walk all over me. How can I teach people appropriate boundaries and model a healthy approach to interpersonal relationships if I don’t instruct others on ways of treating other people? Really, in the long run, I will be doing a disservice to others if I act like a servant.

But let’s get real. At this point in my life there is no line forming of people wanting to tell me I am too self-sacrificial and too overly generous with my time and energy. This is not my problem in life. More likely my real problem is my white-knuckled hold on getting my way. More likely my real problem is that I one hundred percent look out for myself and spend an embarrassing amount of time obsessing about how I can get more stuff for my house rather than thinking of ways that I can look out for the best interest of others.

So why does Jesus call us to lose our life? I think he calls us to lose our life so that we can be happy. Which sounds a little off (Christians don’t like to talk about happiness…joy is the preferred go-to word), but really, when you think about it, life is way happier when you don’t have to get your way. You don’t have to worry about ulterior motives or being manipulated if you’ve already decided to do whatever the person wants. You don’t have to worry about someone stealing from you if you’ve already chosen to give them everything. You don’t have to fuss over your afternoon being wasted if you’ve already decided that the day is theirs. Nothing can be lost if you’ve already chosen to let go.

Knowing God

So Abraham called that place, The Lord Will Provide. And to this day it is said, “On the mountain of the Lord, it will be provided. Genesis 22:14

How could Abraham know the character of God? I guess the question becomes even more pressing when you think about the gods HE would have known about having lived in the land of Ur. The land of Ur was a rough place to be in terms of the gods/people relationship. They had lots and lots of gods- rain gods, moon gods, goddesses of fertility-and all those gods required human blood and human sacrifice and well, lots of temple prostitution. Usually children and infants were given to the gods to fulfil these requirements. So again, how could Abraham possibly know the character of THIS God? Was THIS God mean? Was He passive? Was He angry? Did He require lots of good deeds? Lots of bad deeds? How could one know?

It seems to me that God had an invested interest in letting Abraham know exactly His character. When Abraham sold his off wife not once, but TWICE, God showed Abraham that He was merciful and willing to save Abraham from his own short-sightedness (and, cough, stupidity). When Sarah laughed at the angels for saying that she was going to have a child, God showed them that He is a God with a sense of humor, ie: instead of smiting them for laughing at the messengers, He told them to name their son “Laughter.” When Abraham and Sarah took baby matters into their own hands by having Abraham hook up with Hagar, God showed kindness to Hagar by giving her food and water in the desert and STILL followed through with His promise to give Abraham and Sarah a son. But somehow Abraham just didn’t quite get it. Abraham says to God, “Far be it from you to rain destruction down on the righteous as well as the wicked. Far be it from you. Will you do what is right?” This is a challenge. Who is so bold as to challenge God to “do what is right?” Who questions the fundamental goodness of God?

So then God pulled the ultimate reversal. He becomes an actor, a playwright. He told Abraham to sacrifice his son…just like those gods and goddesses from Ur. God takes on what appears to be the role of all those other gods that Abraham had known in the past. And then. Just at the crucial moment, God steps in and says “Wait…I’m not that kind of God. I am the God that provides for YOU. You don’t provide for me.” A huge, dramatic gesture that flips Abraham’s ideas of God upside down.

This is an essential understanding. God is letting US know the essence of his character. He is a God that accepts us, that gives us everything we have. HE provides the way for us to know Him. It is not my sacrifices, nor my commitments to do good and be friendly, nor my determinations to talk less and stop biting my fingernails that qualify me to know Him.

I feel like this is something that is said a lot- the general message that it is by grace we are saved. But really, it’s hard for me to internalize. I still write my lists about how to be a better person and I kinda worry that God doesn’t like me very much because I was wretchedly vindictive and petty the other day. I mean today. And yesterday. And the day before that. But again, He is the one that provides for me. I can only stand before Him with my hands open and empty.

Holy God, help me to trust you. Help me to keep my eyes open to where you are working and to move forward with humility and love.